I love these rules from Anatol Rapoport on how to criticize:
How to compose a successful critical commentary:
- You should attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.
- You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).
- You should mention anything you have learned from your target.
- Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.
Imagine if Twitter (a well-known argument machine) dedicated space in replies for each of these. Changing form fields can change minds.
These rules jumped to mind when I was reading Search Inside Yourself, which is about Google’s mindfulness program. One of the prescribed activities is mindful conversation, which has a pretty similar component:
Let’s say there are two people involved in this conversation—Allen and Becky—and it is Allen’s turn to speak. Allen speaks for a while, and after he is done speaking, Becky (the listener) loops back by saying what she thought she heard Allen say. After that, Allen gives feedback on what he thought was missing or misrepresented in Becky’s characterization of his original monologue. And they go back and forth until Allen (the original speaker) feels satisfied that he is correctly understood by Becky (the original listener). Looping is a collaborative project in which both people work together to help Becky (the listener) fully understand Allen (the speaker).
I think the thing linking these is empathy. If you build your empathy muscles you probably don’t need these rules, but they are still a good reminder.