Below you’ll find my description of the plot of Harry Potter 7: The Deathly Hollows: Part 1. You may think I’m at a disadvantage to describe the plot of the movie simply because I haven’t seen any of the other movies or read any of the books. However Harry Potter is so popular that I have learned about it through cultural osmosis. Namely, I knew that Harry Potter is a wizard with glasses and snape kills dumbledoor (although I’m not 100% clear on what that means).

The movie starts out with a government guy who’s all “Keep calm and carry on” but then we immediately find out he’s working with the bad guys. We know they’re bad guys because they are all dressed in black and have an enormous bad-guy table. Plus they have the bad guy from Die Hard, a big snake and an alien as members. Bad guys.

Then we go to Harry who lives alone in 1970 suburban England without furniture (we find out in the middle of the movie that’s because his parents were killed, I guess his parents took their furniture with them – are wizards Egyptian?) and everyone comes in and wants to protect Harry. From what? Well, they make it very clear that the bad guys are after Harry specifically. I’m assuming Harry and the alien had a relationship and it ended poorly.

But Harry’s phone is being traced, so half of the people need to become Harry, while the other half drive. I think the driving age in England must be 18, because they keep talking about how he’s 17 and they wouldn’t need to do this if he was 18. They escape in a big chase scene and get to a farm (I think we’re back in the middle ages where the rest of the books take place) and some guy is hurt. In response they decide “Hey, everyone is after us, let’s have a wedding!”

Then the government guy shows up and it turns out that some guy died and gave 3 kids some stuff. At this point you’d think that the government guy (who is working with the bad guys, per the opening of the movie) would say “Wait, this stuff is supposed to go to Harry Potter. The guy my evil friends and me are chasing is named Harry Potter. I better kill him!” but I guess there are a lot of kids named Harry Potter so he writes it off as a coincidence. Or maybe it was supposed to go to Harold Potter and government guy didn’t know Harry is short for Harold. Anyway, he just leaves without killing anyone.

They have a wedding and it’s not really clear who (if anyone) got married and Harry broods a lot, I think to try to be more like Twilight. Then I guess the government guy finally figured out that Harry Potter was the Harry Potter they’re looking for, since all the bad guys show up. Harry, his girlfriend Hermeny and a ginger kid (who obviously has a crush on both of them) teleport to modern-day London. I’m pretty sure they explained why they had to drive to the farm, but then could just teleport whenever after that. Something to do with magic.

There’s a magic shoot-out in a coffee shop, and they break into to an apartment and rummage through everything. They find out that Gollum-looking thing named “Creature” lives there and ask him about something called the Whorelax. He runs off, then comes back with the guy who double-crossed the good guys. I guess they were double crossed? Anyway, it turns out that the super-sketchy guy was actually pretty sketchy.

Harry, Hermeny and Ginger all decide to kidnap some government employees and use a magic potion to become them, and then break into the government office by flushing themselves down toilets. While in disguise, we see that the government is killing wizards (they call them muggles) and are really a Nazi eugenics program. On reflection, they seem to be killing non-wizards, so it’s more like the Brotherhood of Mutants’ plan to kill all non-mutants. No wait, they were interrogating a woman who had a wand, so they were definitely anti-wizard. Either way, they’re definitely Nazis.

The kids (who are in disguise) bust up the courtoom to steal a necklace from some woman, then have to run from the guards when their disguise wears off. They run and run and run and finally reach the exit, and then teleport into the forest. I’m not really clear why they didn’t just teleport as soon as they got the necklace, but I’m guessing it was because of magic.

The kids are in the forest and Ginger is all cut up from teleporting, so they use a magic eye-dropper to heal him. They set up camp (Hermeny had a tent in her Bag of Holding, not a euphamism) and try to break the amulet on the necklace, but guess what’s indestructible? So they have this amulet (I’m going to start calling it The Precious) that they can’t destroy, but it turns out to have a magical power: anyone wearing The Precious turns into an asshole. So they decide to take turns wearing it and being assholes instead of stuffing it into that Bag of Holding that can hold everything. Maybe they’re using it like alcohol to be jerks to each other and then claim it was just The Precious talking.

They teleport around for a bit and Ginger runs off because he’s had too much of The Precious leaving Harry and his girlfriend to slow dance and wander the Earth. Judging from the number of outfit changes, it appears that there’s an entire J Crew store in the Bag of Holding. Then the two of them go to Harry’s hometown and find his parents’ graves. But some old woman is all “Hey kids come back to my place” and they’re all “Well the entire world is out to get us, let’s trust this random stranger” and then the old woman is all “surprise I’m a giant snake”. Harry and Harmenoy are wizards so they zap it and teleport away, but wind up breaking Harry’s wand (euphamism?).

Then Harry finds a sword in a lake because there was a glowing ball, and almost drowns but then Ginger shows up to save him. Ginger has to kill the necklace with the sword, which shows him his two love interests in flagrante delicto because hey, fan service. Reunited, they go and see some crazy blond guy who tells them a story about 3 magic artifacts (I can only assume they show up in part 2 in the hands of our 3 heroes). Then it turns out crazy blond guys aren’t to be trusted and it was all a trap, so they get captured and taken to Helena Bonham-Carter’s house.

Harry’s face is all messed up (magic? probably) so the bad guys aren’t sure it’s him and don’t want to call the boss down unless it’s absolutely Harry, or else boss guy will kill them. I dunno, that just seems like bad leadership on the boss’s part; you’d think he’d accept a few false positives in the interest of finding Harry Potter (maybe that’s why Goverment guy didn’t turn him in?). Since they suspect that Harry is Harry they decide to torture the truth out of: Harmony. Why not Harry? Magic.

Gollum shows up and saves them and they all teleport away, except Helena Bonham-Carter threw a teleporting knife that stabs Gollum. Hermoine decides that she doesn’t want to waste any of her magic eye dropper on Gollum, so he dies and they bury him “proper, without magic.” This messed up value system of not using the tools available to you probably explains a lot of why they don’t just magic up solutions. “Oh hey we’re in the middle of the enemy base, let’s not teleport because that would be magic and therefore not proper.”

Then the alien takes a magic wand from the corpse of Gandalf the Grey. The End.

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