Here’s something I wrote last night after being inspired by the generic spam solution response form.
Did Slashdot just post another story about camera phones? Quick you’ve got to comment about how worthless they are! But it’s so hard to form a coherent argument while wiping all that foam from your mouth, what to do? The solution is in front of you! I’ve used science to create a form that lets you express everything that’s wrong with camera phones, just by checking off the appropriate lines. Just put an X next to the statements you agree with and post away. Score: 5 (Insightful) was never easier!
( ) Now I’m not a luddite, but
Camera phones are stupid because they are:
( ) over-hyped
( ) inferior to digital cameras
( ) inferior to landline phones
( ) inferior to wireless neural communication
( ) stupid
I don’t need a phone with a camera in it, I just need a normal cell phone that:
( ) makes calls
( ) receives calls
( ) send and receive text messages
( ) lets me have a Kraftwerk ring tone
( ) has videogames
( ) syncs with my computer
( ) stores my calendar
( ) has a speakerphone
( ) has push-to-talk
( ) looks good
( ) has voice dialing
( ) stores phone numbers
( ) reminds me of birthdays
( ) is open source
( ) makes coffee
( ) suggests attractive members of the appropriate gender to hit on
( ) has GPS to direct paramedics to my car crash caused by me making a call on my “normal” cell phone
Why can’t they just give me the exact features I want, nothing more and nothing less?
I don’t even understand why you would want a camera in your cell phone because:
( ) I always carry my digital camera with me
( ) I usually don’t have my cell phone with me
( ) I only see interesting things that I have pre-scheduled
( ) My friends and family have all been blinded in a horrible accident
It’s not just that they are (over-hyped/stupid/inferior to digital cameras/inferior to landline phones/inferior to wireless neural communication), they are a threat because
( ) I am very attractive and someone may take a picture of me changing in a locker room, which is not possible with a regular camera
( ) I am very ugly and someone may take a picture of me changing in a locker room, which is not possible with a regular camera
( ) Someone may take pictures of every page of a magazine (at camera phone resolutions) instead of buying the magazine, which is not possible with a regular camera
( ) My company depends on the secrecy of a specific document which we leave lying around. Someone may take a picture of this with a camera phone, which is not possible with a regular camera
( ) I am a criminal and people may take pictures of me at “work”, which is not possible with a regular camera
( ) People may take pictures while driving, which would distract them from the road, which is not possible with a regular camera
My solution to this problem is:
( ) Promoting legislation to have any device that transmits aural and visual communications banned
( ) Yelling at anyone I see carrying a camera phone, not accepting spare change when offered by people mistaking me for a homeless person
( ) Staying inside for the rest of my life so that my soul isn’t stolen when They take my image
( ) Not buying one and shutting up about it [Note: this will reduce your Slashdot comment’s score by 4]
In conclusion,
( ) I am a far better judge of what your phone should do than you
( ) I harken back to the Good Old Days™, the simpler time of our forefathers when you could be in touch with your friends and loved ones anywhere with a cell phone that did not take pictures
( ) Free Kevin/Dimitri/Darl McBride


3 responses to “Generic Anti-Camera Phone Form”

  1. Haha, thanks. I recently upgraded to an Ericsson T610 and although the camera isn’t something I plan on using, I have a feeling that I’m about to get a lot of crap for it from privacy nuts. Hell, at one of the job interviews I recently had, the building it was in had a BIG SIGN saying that CAMERAPHONES ARE NOT ALLWOED INSIDE (this was back before I got the T610 though).
    Because, yeah, a little shitty 352×288 narrow-angle camera is SO MUCH MORE a privacy concern than my ability to recall imagery and draw it with a pencil and paper!

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